Email: email@example.com Rating: NC-17 Category: Humor Pairing: Shep/Ford/McKay Disclaimer: Not mine. Spoilers: Not really. Summary: Wherein McKay, Sheppard and Ford make first
contact and come in peace. Author's Notes: Because Canthlian wouldn't leave
me alone and I got an idea.
*So* many thank you's to Danvers who helped even though she's wounded,
Suz who still is a kickass beta, and Canthlian who's painfully honest.
"And then there was the time I threw up from the top of a ferris
"Yes, thank you, major,” McKay broke in, “your comprehensive
history on ferris wheels was very interesting; however, if he understood
what you were saying, he would have shot you by now."
John regarded the chief who was watching them intently, dark brown
forehead marred by a frown. He shrugged. "Like you had something
more interesting to say."
McKay snorted, managing to look superior even with a bruise on his
cheek. John secretly suspected that the Indian looking guys had known
exactly what McKay’s less than flattering words had meant when they
captured them. "At least what I had to say didn't involve vomit."
"No, but it might have indu-"
”Oh, no,” Ford said, interrupting John mid-bicker.
John didn’t like that tone of voice at all. “What is it, lieutenant?”
Ford swallowed hard as he stared at the chief. John looked as well.
The chief was talking animatedly with another large man, gesturing
with his hands and doing some strange movements, making his many golden
armbands chink. John squinted. “They must be talking about something
“Yeah,” Ford said, sounding faint.
McKay moved to John’s side. “Looks like they want us to help weed
John blinked slowly and then looked at McKay.
McKay looked back at him, blankly. “What?”
“How the hell did you get that?”
“Well,” McKay looked defensive, “what’s your oh so brilliant suggestion?”
“I think I know what they want,” Ford said.
John frowned as he studied Ford. The guy wasn’t looking too hot.
“You okay, Ford?”
“I’ve read the reports from SG-1,” Ford continued, either not hearing
or ignoring him. John preferred the first option. “This happens to
them all the time.” Ford looked faraway. “The natives…they want us
John frowned. “What?”
Ford licked his lips nervously. “…um…”
“Lieutenant…” John prodded.
Ford mumbled something.
John blinked. “What?”
“He says that we’ll have to have sex, major,” McKay said, not quite
succeeding in sounding cool.
John considered this. “I can deal with that.”
McKay raised his eyebrows. “In front of them.”
“With each other.”
McKay nodded grimly.
John sighed. “Why didn’t Teyla come with us?”
McKay rolled his eyes. “You are such a pig.”
“Hey! That kind of talk will get you nowhere, mister.”
McKay feigned a look of hurt. “Oh, boo hoo.”
“Maybe we should make sure, sir,” Ford suggested.
“Good idea, lieutenant. McKay, make sure they want us to do that.”
“And how do you propose I do that? Read their minds?”
John shrugged and frowned. “I don’t know. Can’t you build a universal
translator or something?”
McKay stared at him, then grinned gleefully. “You’re a Trekkie!”
“Am not!” John rallied.
“You so are!”
“Then how’d you know what a universal translator is?” McKay shot
John raised his eyebrow. “How do *you* know what a universal translator
McKay coughed. “That’s beside the point.”
“Hey,” Ford interrupted, an edge to his voice.
John waved a hand. “Relax, Ford, we’re not gonna have sex. We’ll
find another way out.”
McKay raised his eyebrows again and looked towards the exit. John
followed his gaze and thoughtfully regarded the big (big big) guys
standing in front of it. He let his eyes slide across the dungeon-like
room, noting the small cubic holes in the walls trying to pass as
His eyes stopped at the chief, his earrings glinting in the candle
light as he looked generally scary and evil.
John scratched his neck. “Okay, we may have to have sex.”
“Great,” Ford muttered.
“Hey!” John and McKay said in chorus.
Ford raised his hands defensively. “Nothing personal, doctor, sir.
You’re just not my types.”
The chief said something threatening in a language that still made
zero sense and his two buff bodyguards stepped forward threateningly
(apparently no one came in small or medium around here).
John quickly raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Okay, guys,
we better pick up the speed here.”
“So, who’ll bottom?” Ford looked like he couldn’t believe he was
having this conversation. John sort of got that feeling.
They looked at each other.
McKay frowned thoughtfully. “Maybe we don’t have to do any actual
“God,” Ford groaned, “you just had to say it, didn’t you?”
“-maybe they’ll be satisfied with more fundamental stuff.”
It was John’s turn to raise his eyebrows. “Such as?”
“Oh, you know, mutual masturbation, saliva exchange, that sort of
thing,” McKay said offhandedly, red creeping up his neck.
“You romantic, you,” John drawled.
The chief bellowed something to them again and John hastily unzipped
his jacket. “Okay, let’s start with the really fundamental act of
taking our clothes off.”
Ford groaned pitifully and raised his hands to his jacket.
McKay looked nervous. “Right, okay,” he started saying as he unzipped
his jacket too, words picking up speed, “I propose that we swear to
keep this a secret. I do not want to become a textbook example for
teams to follow.”
“Here here,” Ford said fervently as his jacket hit the floor.
John sighed. “But *why* didn’t Teyla come with us?”
“Shut up and take off your pants,” McKay snapped.
“What are they doing, oh glorious leader?” Oman whispered.
“I have no idea. Shush.”
“Come on, McKay, off with it.”
McKay crossed his arms and looked as dignified as a man in his boxers
and a t-shirt could look. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re military,
John rolled his eyes. “It’s just us, McKay, and some people that
we’ll never see again.”
“As I said: that’s easy for you to say.”
John sighed. “Okay. Let’s try another way. Ford, go stand behind
McKay. Cover his back.”
Ford walked up behind McKay and smirked.
“I can hear that smirk, lieutenant,” McKay muttered, eyeing John
John smiled and moved until he was standing in front of McKay. He
swallowed McKay’s surprised gasp as he pressed his lips to his, letting
his hands drift down McKay’s chest and to the hem of his t-shirt.
“Very…suave,” McKay panted as their mouths separated and John started
tugging his t-shirt upwards.
“Naturally.” He nuzzled McKay’s neck and found himself face to face
with Ford. Who was licking his lips. Hell-ooo.
Together, they pulled the t-shirt over McKay’s head, and John couldn’t
help but notice how adorable McKay looked with his hair standing on
Thank god McKay *couldn’t* read minds; he’d never let John live that
He kissed McKay again, trapping his face between his hands, and man,
the guy could kiss. Were geeks supposed to be this good at kissing?
Then McKay shuddered violently and groaned lustfully into John’s
mouth. Oh *yeah*…
John felt something hot and hard against his stomach and pulled away
long enough to look down. He started breathing harder as he saw the
darker skin of Ford’s hand moving up and down McKay’s pale cock. Okay,
so, exactly when had McKay lost his boxers?
Deciding that he didn’t want to be left behind, John pushed his briefs
down and kicked them off as they reached his ankles. Much better.
McKay’s eyes were glazed as he rolled his hips against Ford’s hand
and John’s groin, and he looked pretty fucking amazing with his swollen
lips and his messy hair and his mouth open in a soundless ‘o’.
Ford was currently nuzzling McKay’s ear, eyes closed and expression
dreamy as he rocked against McKay. Right. Everyone was off and running
except for John. Time to do something about that.
He put a hand at the back of Ford’s neck and as his eyes opened,
John slipped his tongue into his mouth and made sure that he wasn’t
forgotten. He fumbled some with his other hand, but finally managed
to find McKay’s hand and tug it towards his own neglected dick.
“Oh god,” McKay mumbled roughly in his ear before grabbing John’s
cock and starting to pump rapidly.
It was getting harder to breathe as Ford was kissing him enthusiastically
and McKay was trying to make his brain leak out of his ears. This
was going to be a short race.
He let go of Ford’s neck as he didn’t seem to need any encouragement
to fuck John’s mouth with his tongue, and let it slide down McKay’s
back to see how Ford was doing.
As his hand moved down the small of McKay’s back and down his ass,
he could feel Ford’s cock sliding between McKay’s cheeks, all nice
and hard and slick.
McKay’s breathing was going a hundred miles per hour and Ford’s kisses
were turning more and more desperate and John was probably going to
explode from the feel of McKay’s hand on him.
Before he had time to, he heard a desperate “fuck!” from McKay and
then his stomach was being rhythmically sprayed with McKay’s come.
He brought a hand up to McKay’s cheek, and he whimpered, humping against
Ford pulled away, his mouth separating from John’s with an audible
pop, panting “yeah yeah yeah” as he rocked faster against McKay.
McKay was leaning heavily against John, and he moaned as Ford pushed
at him with his hands until he was nearly bent over and proceeded
to slide his cock between McKay’s legs.
John felt McKay’s hot breath on his cock and watched Ford pseudo-fucking
McKay and did the most embarrassing thing ever – he drew in a sharp
breath and came, eyes screwed shut.
He had enough presence of mind not to dig his nails too deep into
McKay’s back, but he couldn’t help but leave crescent moons there,
five on each side of McKay’s shoulder blades.
Coming down from the height of ecstasy, he opened his eyes to look
at Ford staring down at first his own, then John’s groin, breath pushed
out in pants through his open mouth. John couldn’t help himself; he
first brushed his thumb over Ford’s lower lip and then pushed it inside
Ford’s eyes were open as he shook through his orgasm.
They stood motionless for what seemed like an eternity, then John
withdrew his thumb and Ford drew a shaky breath.
“Can someone help me up?” McKay’s voice was heard weakly from below.
“All the blood has gone into my head so I’m too dizzy to stand.”
Oman looked concerned. “Oh fearless leader,” he started humbly, “should
we not bring up the matter of the trespassing?”
Sor-Ek had to clear his throat twice before he was able to speak.
“No, I don’t think that will be necessary, Oman.”
“But they need to be punished!” he exclaimed, adding belatedly, “My
“They pleaded a very convincing case.” Sor-Ek made a gesture with
his hand. “Let them go.”
He didn’t wait to hear any of Oman’s arguments. “If anyone needs
me, I’ll be in my bedroom.”
“So, you were held prisoners for an entire day, in a dark cell where
you couldn’t see anything, by captors you couldn’t get a good look
at and…” Dr. Weir looked at McKay. “The address to the planet is suddenly
McKay, bless him, looked like his normal snotty self. “I’m sorry,
Elizabeth, I’ll certainly have a talk with the computer about its
“I am sorry that I was not there to help.” Teyla looked guilty. John
would have to come up with something to cheer her up that didn’t include
a play-by-play of the events of the day.
“You had to see to your people,” Ford piped in, eyes looking a bit
too bright for their ‘dark cell, no food’ story, “no one’s holding
that against you.”
“Right,” McKay said and smiled at her.
Teyla blinked and both John and Ford glared warningly at him.
McKay blinked and then hurriedly stopped smiling. “Although, one
would think that we’d be worth some of your precious time.”
Teyla, reassured, relaxed.
“Well, I’m glad that you’re all back in one piece,” Dr. Weir said
and smiled as she stood from her chair. “Get some R&R, gentlemen.”
As John walked out of the room, he felt someone’s shoulder brush
against his. He looked at McKay’s face.
“So, I was thinking,” McKay started, “that we should run some tests
on what else you can do with the shuttles. We need to establish the
limits of your Ancient capabilities.”
“Oh, I gotta be there for that,” Ford said casually, appearing at
John’s other side.
John sighed. “You only want me for my brain.”
McKay snorted. “You wish.”
“Hey!” John objected, wounded.
McKay quickened his pace and called over his shoulder. “Eight o’clock
tonight, major, lieutenant. Don’t be late.”
Ford grinned. “Bossy much?”
John smiled and nodded. “I don’t know, I kinda like it.”