by Nel

Pairing: Jack/Daniel
Disclaimers: Dude, not mine.
Rating: NC-17
Category: Angst, episode related
Season: Set after directly after season 2 episode Secrets
Spoilers: Secrets
Series: Part 1/6 in the Surrender series.
Because sometimes, herbal tea just doesn't do it.
Author's Notes: Totally not my usual type of fic, but I'm quite fond of it anyway. My muse seems to find it very amusing to bang me over the head with these shorter stories, then give me nothing for the big ones. I'll get to the big ones, some day, but for now, this is what you'll get :)

As always, thanks to Princess Suz, who whipped out that red pen and really helped, and Princess Danvers, who does strange and wonderful things to my ego that I'm not sure I deserve.

Thanks, babes :)

Added notes: Well, gang, it's been almost a year and I haven't updated. I'd like to say that I'll finish it, and I really do want to, but the SG-1 groove isn't really around anymore. It might be finished some day, but it might also not be. If anyone is dying to know how it ends, send me a mail and I'll tell you (coz I do know, it's just the whole 'writing-it'-thing that's kicking my ass). I'd just like to say that I'm sorry and that I have learned not to post any more WIPs. Nel, June 7th 2006


In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.
-- Edgar Allan Poe, A Dream


When he opened the door, Daniel could tell that Jack was surprised to see him. Jack most likely hadn't expected him to come, not when he'd told Daniel he'd spend the evening home, alone and Daniel hadn't argued one bit. Normally, he'd have pressured Jack and gotten to the bottom of that haunted look in his eyes, but being alone and doing whatever he needed to get that rage out of his system seemed like a better course of action.

Only it hadn't worked. He'd tried relaxing by trying to translate some Welsh texts, he'd tried herbal tea since he'd been told (by Teal'c of all people) that it was very calming, and when that hadn't worked he'd hurled his best vase into the wall, - no doubt waking mrs. Sobeski who always seemed to be asleep - which had been so far from satisfying that he'd been ready to scream.

The anger was still thrumming through his veins, and no matter how hard he tried not to he could see Sha're in his mind's eye: turning away from him and walking through the Stargate. Turning away from him. After proclaiming her love, telling him that she didn't want to leave, she'd left again. With Apophis.

Logically, he knew she'd had no choice. Logically, he knew Ammonet had taken over the moment the boy had been born. Logically, he knew that the price for concealing him and the rest of the team had probably been high once Ammonet had been in full control again.

Frankly, he didn't give a fuck about 'logically' at the moment.

All that mattered was that feeling of betrayal, of fury, of hate, which was so much better than that feeling of grief and hopelessness that threatened to break through if he let it.

Which left him at Jack's doorstep, anger pulsing through his body in sync with the flow of his blood, consuming him, waiting to find release. Waiting, while he was watching Jack looking at him warily, while he opened his mouth, no doubt to ask what Daniel was doing there, when it all just snapped.

Daniel shoved him backwards, just catching the look of surprise on Jack's face before the door shut behind him and he sealed his mouth over Jack's. Ignoring the bewildered noises his friend - probably soon to be *former* friend - was making, he shoved him up against the wall and kissed him hard, ruthlessly pushing his tongue into his mouth.

He expected to be knocked on his ass, he was anticipating it; the blood was thrumming in his ears, and it'd be *so* *good* to hit something right now, to fight; anything besides letting down his guard for a moment and letting the grief overcome him.

But he wasn't knocked on his ass; Jack just relaxed against the wall and let Daniel kiss him. If possible, it only served to fuel Daniel's fury, and he shoved at Jack again, biting his lip. //Fight *back*, you bastard! Come on!//

But Jack didn't fight back. Not even when Daniel's mouth filled with the metallic tang of his blood. //Oh my God. What am I doing?//

He started pulling back, finally glimpsing sanity through that sea of dark madness, but Jack took a hold of his head with both hands. He caressed the back of Daniel's skull all the while gentling the aggressive kiss. That was Daniel's undoing: tough-ass Jack O'Neill kissing him so tenderly, like he was made of something delicate. Like he'd break if Jack wasn't careful.

Maybe he would.

He felt like he'd been broken so many times that he wasn't sure whether the pieces would fit once he started putting them back together this time.

But Jack kissed him gently, carefully and started tugging off his shirt. God, he hadn't even bothered to grab his jacket when he'd left the apartment //-the apartment, not home-//, he'd just been so desperate for… Something. Something that'd make that feeling of slowly losing his mind go away.

Jack walked him backwards in the direction of what Daniel knew was his bedroom and as suddenly as it'd evaporated, the anger was back. He grabbed hold of the front of Jack's T-shirt, the kiss growing hard again, and pulled him into the bedroom, walking backwards until the back of his knees hit something soft.

The air was forced out of his lungs as he pulled Jack down on the bed, and he welcomed the dizzying sensation of temporary lack of oxygen. Their mouths parted briefly, noisily, and Jack gasped his name before Daniel kissed him again to stop him from talking.

There was no room for talking.

He tugged impatiently at Jack's T-shirt and within moments it was flying across the room, leaving Daniel to move to the fly of Jack's jeans. There was a considerable bulge there, but when he undid the button, Jack pulled away and grabbed hold of Daniel's hands. "Daniel."

Looking away from the button that was teasingly half way out through the hole, he looked into Jack's flushed face, into those eyes that could destroy him if he let them. He didn't say anything, just stared at Jack, refusing to give into the call of the mute emotion inside those brown eyes.

They stayed like that for several moments, a battle of wills, neither one of them willing to back down. Then finally, Jack gave him a crooked smile devoid of happiness and pulled Daniel's glasses off his face. He reached over Daniel to put them on the bedside table, and Daniel took the opportunity to finally open that button, pull down that fly, and slip his hand inside Jack's boxers.

Jack gasped as Daniel fitted his hand around his cock, starting a demanding rhythm. He looked down at Daniel again, the emotion back in his eyes, but Daniel closed his own eyes and searched for Jack's mouth again, never ceasing the movements of his hand.

He rolled them over so that Jack was underneath him and briefly removed his now slick hand to pull Jack's jeans down further. Jack's hands buried themselves in the sheets as Daniel started pumping him again, faster this time.

He couldn't tear his eyes away from Jack; his body bared for Daniel, hips thrusting helplessly up against Daniel's hand, knuckles white on the hands as they gripped the sheet so hard it was beginning to come loose from the sides; his face twisted in ecstasy, eyes screwed shut.

And then he was gasping, his back arching off the bed and he was coming all over Daniel's hand, and somehow Daniel had the presence of mind to slow his strokes as Jack shuddered through his orgasm.

Jack slumped back against the mattress and Daniel barely gave him a moment to catch his breath before he was desperately kissing him again. He pulled his mouth away from Jack and nuzzled his neck, all while tearing his pants open and starting to thrust against him.

Jack's arms closed around him, hands stroking his still shirt clad back, his chest rubbing against Jack's sticky one. Jack was mumbling nonsense into his ear and *God* this was so good.

He humped against Jack frantically, he was so close, so very very close, he just needed something else, and then Jack whispered something in his ear and he came so hard he almost blacked out.

Afterwards, he lay slumped on top of Jack, too weary to move a muscle. He didn't move when Jack slipped out from beneath him and he merely blinked tiredly when he returned, now clean, with a wet cloth.

He allowed Jack to roll him over on his back and silently clean him up. He didn't object when Jack pulled his shirt and pants off and turned off the lights. He didn't say a thing when Jack crept into bed with him and pulled his head to rest on Jack's chest.

And Jack didn't say anything when Daniel started sobbing.


He slipped out of Jack's house at 4am in the morning, not even stopping to look back as he left the bedroom. He felt like the few hours he'd slept in Jack's arms had only made him wearier than he'd been before. Well, sleep was overrated anyway. He decided that those Welsh texts needed translating when he got back.

But when he'd gotten back to the apartment and the Welsh texts, he spent hours staring into thin air, memories bombarding him. Sha're, screaming as she realized the baby was on its way out. Apophis' look of adoration as he touched Sh- Ammonet's face. The look on Kasuf's face as Daniel handed him his grandson. Jack's gasp as he came all over himself and Daniel.

At 7am his beeper announced that he had to "come to the SGC ASAP" due to "emergency". It was odd how those emergencies always occurred when SG-1 had downtime.

He walked into the locker room, Sam and Jack inside, just as Sam asked: "Sir, are you okay?"

Jack didn't even look up at Daniel even though he must have heard him; he simply continued tying his boots. "Why shouldn't I be, Carter?"

"Well... Frankly, sir, it looks like you've been in a fight."

Jack looked up at her, and Daniel could see the sharp cut on his lower lip. Ignoring the flood of guilt that ran through him he walked over to his locker.

Jack smiled at Sam, but Daniel could see that it didn't reach his eyes. "You should see the other guy."

Daniel nodded at Sam before opening the locker and grabbing his boots, roughly pulling them on.

He was so occupied with his task that he was actually surprised when he straightened up and found himself alone in the locker room with Jack.

Jack looked up at Daniel as he pulled on his fingerless gloves. His hands dropped to his sides as they stared at each other. Finally, breaking the silence, Jack said, "You all geared up?"


"Good. Gate room in five." With that, he left Daniel alone in the locker room, and Daniel carefully didn't stare after him. Instead he stared down on his hands, and remembered what he'd used them for yesterday.

First to give birth to something, then to kill something.

It was like before – he simply had to find the will to pick up the pieces again. But now he had a feeling they were never going to fit.

The End

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